


A Crushing Sense of Love

by KinkyKoala, Smile_More, Zigglez



Series: Love is Crushing [1]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, Tolkien (2019)
Genre: Anal Sex, Banter, Best Friends, Blood and Injury, Bloody Kisses, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Dirty Jokes, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Edith is Irrelevant, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, High School, Jokes, M/M, Orphanage, Possibly Unrequited Love, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, Tea, Temporarily Unrequited Love, University, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23577112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KinkyKoala/pseuds/KinkyKoala, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smile_More/pseuds/Smile_More, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zigglez/pseuds/Zigglez
Summary: When Tolkien and Robert (or Teddy as his friends call him) are forced to spend more time together after an incident the Tea Club Barrovian Society suddenly becomes a lot more gay.
Relationships: Edith Tolkien/Hilary Tolkien, Geoffrey Bache Smith/Chistopher Wiseman, Geoffrey Bache Smith/J.R.R. Tolkien, J. R. R "John" Tolkien/Robert Q Gilson
Series: Love is Crushing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764991
Kudos: 4





	1. A Change of Scenery

**Author's Note:**

> Please be kind, this is a purely for fun writing project which has had a lot of effort put into it.

Chapter 1 - A Change of Scenery

I trudged up the elongated driveway, hearing it crunch under the drooping soles of my boots, my heart drooped with it, every. I felt drained, as if a shred of my heart were no longer there, leaving a graze that would never heal.

I looked to my brother and recognised the same wretched distress replicated in his eyes that I felt in my chest. I eventually became victim to my own devastation and my gut ached with the burning loss. I stepped up onto the stone stairs and instantaneously a shiver trickled down my back like a drop of cold water. We were impatiently ushered through an immense door into a grand annette, a chandelier loomed above me and my brother’s heads. I was firmly encouraged up the staircase tripping over every step as I was led to a door, paint peeling and chipping, that was addressed as my brother and I’s dorm.

I walked through a doorway and it was like I entered a different world as I left the plush grand hall and entered a dark dormitory; the corners of the bedside table had worn away and the carpet had stains distributed across it, various holes were pummeled through the wall, presumably by generations of tantruming orphans all of which like me and my brother were brought in oh so kindly off the streets by rich adults who had never witnessed the cruelty that death can bring and the loss of hope that only watching your mother die can cause.

I stepped over the rug stained with desolation and abandonment before regretfully perching on the furthest of the two beds. I lay for hours unmotivated by any prying matrons or pleas of my brother, my thoughts spiralled, my heart pummelled against my chest and every cell in my body stirred with sorrowful distress. After many sleepless hours spent reliving the heartbreaking last hours of my mother, I was brought out of my conscious nightmare to a violent rapping at our door as a timetable slipped beneath.


	2. The Pain of Physical Education

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A muddy, sweaty lesson of P.E results in a quick loss of temper and a violent punching of a pompous asshole.

Chapter 2- The Pain of Physical Education

  
I hurriedly pull on my clothes and the musty stench of mothballs violates my nostrils. I’m deafened by a noise that I can only assume is a gong, which echoes everywhere and wakes up my brother who sits up with a wide-eyed, dewey stare, like a rabbit caught in headlights. Realising he needs comfort, I shake myself awake and walk over to him, ruffling his hair to show I understand his confusion and pain.

My breakfast consists of a lumpy and sloppy gruel, which makes me feel sick as I hurriedly shovel it down. Physical Education is first. I’m dreading this. I can’t do this, I hate PE with a burning passion, and rugby is the worst of them all. I shiver, repulsed by the thought of sweaty bodies close to me, pushing hard against my back, my front, everywhere. I reach the changing rooms and get changed in silence. We troop outside like battle-weary soldiers to our doom. My fate is sealed.

Five minutes later and I genuinely think I’m in Hell. Crotch against thigh, sweaty palm against neck. So intimate, yet so separate. Mud is everywhere, on my face, on my legs. It dries and seals them in a muddy tomb; it’ll mean at least another half an hour stuck next to wet, hot limbs in the revolting showers. I feel the pulsing of my heart in my chest and hear the roar of the wind as it zips past my ear - it’s so utterly consuming that I’m barely paying attention to the boys around me.

Thwack.

The breath is knocked out of me as a fist makes contact with my back.

Hard.

Without stopping to think, I spin round and punch the owner of the fist in the face with a satisfying crunch.

Blood pours in a steady flow out of his nose and a crowd gathers around. I’m dragged away by a taller boy from the blond, bloody face of the fucker who punched me. As soon as I’m out of the crowd the taller boy tuts at me with a look that says I have made a mistake.

I honestly couldn’t care less if these tossers think I’m a brute. If this sort of punching and idiocracy is what my classmates think is appropriate for a new pupil then they’re the brutes.

The teacher comes over and sends the injured boy to the nurses office. He doesn’t seem to acknowledge that the bloody nose is a result of non-rugby related accidents and for that I’m grateful.

I almost believe I’ve gotten away with it before the taller boy that marched me out of the crowd makes his way to the teacher. It’s when he’s talking that I spot the prefect embellishment on his rugby top.

I’m very much screwed.

Nothing is said to me though. For a split second I think the coach is blowing his whistle to call me over but instead he announces that P.E is finally over.

I walk solemnly into the changing rooms, aware of my improaching doom. I very nearly skip the showers all together because I just know they’ll make this worse but the thought of staying coated in mud. It gently cracking the whole day and spreading through my clothing stops me dead in my tracks and sends me packing to the showers.  
No sooner is the hot water running and my clothes are stripped off. I feel the mud flow off and a weight is removed but the overbearing pressure on my chest remains. Yet this peace is soon broken by the rest of the class coming in behind me.

Soon my oasis is flooded with steam and soapy limbs. Towels are being tossed every which way and a few are being spun and then used as whips for some poor unsuspecting wallflowers. I’m quick to keep my eyes on the wall and get clean but even then I can’t keep my face from heating up at the sight of so many bare collarbones.

I hope the flush can be written off as something unrelated to the many bodies before me.

Soon enough though I’m away from the cease pit of sweat and the glimmer of hot water and into the safety of desks.

Literacy. My safe place. A place I excel in.

At least that’s what I thought. Alas everyone else seemed to think that as a scholarship student I couldn’t possibly be of a higher enough education to fucking read.

What do they think I got a scholarship for, being an ignoramus?

No sooner have I thought that an opportunity arises to show the snickering classmen of my integrity. The teacher has offered me a chance on a golden platter.

I’ve been called on to read. I clear out my throat in preparation to wipe the floor with these bombastic dicks. I hear a hush fall about the classroom as everyone waits to see me make a fool of myself but I’m not at all sorry to say I disappointed.

I read clearly and well pronounced not hesitating when I come across words I know others are just puzzling over in their mind.

I read with expression and end with a flourish that Shakespearean actors would be jealous of.

As soon as I finish, I hear my name being called out. I expect it to be the teacher or someone ready to drag me down to their level with cruel mockery but it’s worse.

It’s a runner asking for me to make my way to the headmaster.


	3. Tea Club Bull Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Tolkein's punishment is a little different than what he expected, Teddy introduces him to his friends and the TCBS gains it's newest member.

Chapter 3 - Tea Club Bull Shit

Dread floods through my veins like an overflowing river as my name echoes around the stone walls of the classroom. Yet heat floods my face, no sooner had I proved my worth to my classman it was undermined. My wings were clipped by some runner calling me to the headmaster’s office.

I can barely hear the scraping of my wooden stool or my heavy footsteps, all I can hear is the pummeling of my heart. Thumping against my chest. Probably working hard to keep my face a bright beet red as I made my way to the door of the classroom.

Snickers drift through the doorway as I make my way out like a dog who’d been scolded, tail tucked between my legs and head down.

The walk to the office seems eternal and I lose my way countless times in the twisting hallways and winding corridors; I can’t bring myself to knock on any doors for directions though instead, I make my way using the graffitied signs.

By the time I make it to the office, not only am I half an hour late due to my lack of a school map but my mind has supplied me with an endless list of all the punishments this school could give me. I have vivid images of me and my brother being turfed onto the streets again. We were only accepted into this school as a charity case and one can be certain I’ve over extended their charity.

I timidly raise my knuckle and rap against the ominous door which is opened almost immediately to a stern-looking gentleman with a stoic suit and tie. Inside is a bloody boy sitting with far too proud a posture. I figure he’s the boy I punched. He looks like a pompous arsehole.

I’m glad I punched him.

Well, I would be if it wasn’t for the fierce look on the headmaster’s face. He points to the seat beside the boy and I rush to sit down not wanting to push this man further than my untimely arrival already has (or indeed my previous punching of pompous arseholes).

The man begins to speak with a gravelly voice filled with a quiet, dangerous anger. Blood rushes my ears and all I can get is a few words: words like punishment, indefinitely and friendship. I hear a grumble from the boy beside me and suddenly the rush of blood is cleared and I can hear what exactly my punishment is.

“I simply do not tolerate this sort of behaviour from any student, especially my son. This is a school, a place of comradery and I can’t let this sort of thing go unchecked. To avoid further incidents I insist you two put aside whatever came over you and spend the rest of the term getting to know and appreciate each other as something other than vicious brutes. That means not a moment apart. You two will be as thick as thieves by the end of this. Besides Robert, you need more than just two friends no matter how scholarly they are. ”

The headmaster says with a no nonsense tone and decidedly shuffles us out the room and leaves me with his son in the corridor to mourn the loss of my free time and privacy. I turn and see the boy’s eyes not sad as mine are but rather bright with excitement. I’m almost barreled in shock as he drags me into a side hug, one that practically screams white rich boy and a pretence of chivalry.

“By the way, even though my old man calls me Robert none of my friends do so feel free to call me Teddy”.

That’s a stupid nickname for a Robert but I guess it’s a Richard to Dick situation.

I’m put into so much of a stupor that I don’t even notice him practically dragging me to the library to:

“Meet some good chaps I like to call Geoffrey and Christopher or Chris as he insists on being called for game with the ladies. His words, not mine.”

It’s mere moments before I’m being sat in front of said good chaps. I wave half heartedly at them while Teddy introduces me.

Someone opposite me asks my name and while I stumble to reply Teddy begins to answer only to stop when realising he doesn’t know my name either.

I take a deep breath and manage to get out my name.

“Tolkien. Or well John but please never call me that.”

I don’t mention that this is because that was my mother’s last word or that only my brother calls me that anymore. Only ever late at night though, when he used to crawl into my bed after a nightmare.

I try to hide away in one of the books in the pile nearest to me to avoid having to explain. I pull it up to hide my face but the light haired boy in front of me pulls it gingerly out of my hands and places it back in the pile. I gave him a questioning look before realising that the book I picked up was a book of reference for the male anatomy, the particular page I had opened was luckily not for the genitals.

Teddy sniggers and begins to speak.

“I mean if you wanted a reference, Geoffrey models for me sometimes.”

I don’t have the foggiest clue who Geoffrey is but considering there’s only one boy blushing and hitting Teddy. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that’s Geoffrey.

I don’t have to guess though because he’s already introducing himself.

“I don’t model. Not in that way, not for Teddy. If anything he creepily draws people around him without asking.” Geoffrey says it pointedley as if this is something that Teddy has done repeatedly. Without asking.

The boy across from me huffs in accompanying annoyance. Before catching my stare.

“I’m Chris by the way.” He says curtly but with a strong stare. He's the first one to make me feel out of place. It’s almost reassuring to know that the group has at least one protector to stop psychopaths from just turning up one day.

“Well, chaps now that we’re all properly introduced. I’d say this calls for a proper T.C.B.S meeting at the tea rooms.”

In my mind, I joke about how that could be a great acronym for Tea Club Bullshit. Turns out that’s not a bad description for it.


	4. Hell Haima! Oh Shit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All starting with a game of battleships, the friendship between Tolkien and Geoffrey begins to blossom. Until a dare goes too far and Chris courts the waitress. Hell Haima!

Chapter 4 - Hell Haima! Oh Shit.

[Clip from Movie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mAGzkbip_U&t=419s)

The steam rises up from the tea in a graceful manner. The whisps interlace like delicate silks being woven together. I thumb the elegant ceramic tea cup, admiring the dainty flowers and gold rim as Chris squawks unmercifully loud about women’s breasts and I notice Geoffrey grimace in a distasteful fashion.

“How about a more classy topic of discussion? Or rather a game?”

Geoffery pulls out a small briefcase and opens it in a theatrical manner: presenting it like a magician's assistant. Inside is a row of tiny, exquisite model ships. I lean forward with impatient anticipation and curiosity. I see ‘Battleships’ written in gold across the black velvet lining inside. Excitement swells up in my heart as I’ve never seen something so frivolous look so expensive, my charmed expression is surely noticed by a wary looking Geoffrey.

He invites me to play and I can’t hide my elation at the idea of handling something that looks so valuable. But my ecstasy wears off as I realise I have no idea how the hell to play.

“How do you…” I pause, my palms clammy.

“How do you play?” Teddy answers, realising my lack of courage.

I nod, grateful for his observation.

He explains the rules and regulations and I listen attentively, and eventually it’s time to play.  
They go easy on me to begin with, and as we get towards the climax of the game, and more and more of my boats sink, I am reminded of the sinking feeling I felt before I came here but now I feel as if I'm rising with the vapor from the tea.

As my last boat is plucked from the board, a sense of failure looms in my mind causing my face to burn. Geoffery looks somber, even though he won, he stares at me with eyes full of sympathy.

I notice Teddy sitting back with his feet up watching the events unfold with a soft and sincere smile. I take a book out of my bag, the spine peeling off of the pages and fraying out like an old rug. I open it at my worn bookmark and begin reading.

All too quickly my reprise from social interaction is interrupted by Geoffrey.

“What could possibly be more interesting than a conversation with the T.C.B.S?”

I reply, eager to cease postponing my reading of ‘Hell haima’.

A puzzled look takes over as the top of his nose crumples. I sigh internally, knowing there is a long explanation due.

“It’s a book about a gruesome place where only those who have died cowardly deaths can go.”

I put on my very best story teller voice trying not to sound like I’m not some nerd reading non-syllabus texts for fun.

“Anyone who should have died in battle but passed away peacefully instead gets sent there.”

“That book needs more women!” Chris complains, moaning like a toddler before a plate of vegetables. “Women with large, plump, round-”.

He’s cut off by a man shouting at him to sit down and it’s almost comedic how well he’s cut off.

He sits down and continues with a more prestigious approach.

“Gentleman, a thought. Hell haima should be our challenge”.

His arms open and his face is filled with boyish playfulness.

“We don’t know how we’ll die, but I know we’ll die by fate’s design.” He lifts his chin, “But what is in our power, is to choose how we live: courageously or timidly.”

The volume in which this was declared made his decision clear.

Chris’ eyes suddenly light up and a proud smile is borne on his face as he announces with great satisfaction.

“Challenge me. Challenge me to do anything, I’ll set an example, show you all how to shun Hell Haima!”

“Ask for the waitress’ hand.”

Teddy responds smugly, awaiting Chris to refuse the idea and stop making a scene.

Chris stands. Almost immediately a wave of regret seems to visibly expose itself on Teddy’s face.

“Hell haima!” Chris shouts eccentrically fists in the air.

Every boy in the group is watching closely, completely captivated. Chris had his audience and he sure did perform. He drops to one knee, one after the other he recites poetic phrases.

“My lady of the lake…”

He continues to complete the dare with unprecedented flair. With one scathing look from the waitress we were completely gone, we dashed through the corridors, laughter echoing with us.


	5. An Emotional Stroke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tolkien's younger brother Arthur runs into Edith and forgets how to function. A time skip occurs and the two year anniversary of the TCBS is celebrated with a very wonky looking cake.

Chapter 5 - An Emotional Stroke

  
After a half-hearted wave and a ‘see you later’ nod, we parted ways. I grab my brother who is loitering outside the library and we begin to trudge up the posh staircase towards our room. I notice a door open about a ruler's length, with a quick glance I notice dainty fingers dancing delicately across the keys of a grand piano.

More interestingly, I notice my brother burning up and gawking like a feverish fish.

I twist my head to look him in the eye and I can almost see the hearts replace his irises.

Cute.

I hit him round the ear in a brotherly tease. He blushes and smiles shyly.

In what I like to say was a moment of courage but was really an undeniable opportunity to embarrass my brother, I knocked on the door. She stops playing and looks up quickly, slightly startled. When her eyes lock with my brothers she doesn’t quite have the emotional stroke that he did, but her cheeks become a little rosy. She smiles in a charm that my brother soaks up, his eyes widening but before he has a chance to hit me, I blurt out:

“Hey!”, she looks a little confused. “We just got here and you see, my brother here is having trouble making friends.”

If looks could kill, I’d be bleeding out right now.

However, the atmosphere changes when her face lights up.  
“Hi! I’m Edith.”

He’s visibly flustered but manages to babble something that sounds vaguely like his name.  
I nod at my brother in a smug manner, almost tempted to stick my tongue out at him.  
‘It’s so great to meet you!’ she’s smiling so wide her eyes are squinted. I abandon my brother to handle the mess of that situation.

A couple days later, another Tea Club Bullshit meeting is called. When I’m sat in this tearoom with the beautiful china set, the waitresses constant side eye and these boys around me I enter a state of almost bliss. Time moves so quickly when I’m so happy and at the blink of an eye, it’s the two year anniversary of the formation of TCBS.

A crooked cake is cast onto the table by Geoffrey, written in blue icing is ‘Happy Birthday TCBS’.  
“What’s this piece of crap?” Chris remarks. I must say, it’s not exactly structurally sound as it leans further to one side than the tower of pisa.

“I think it’s sweet.” I say, noticing Geoffrey's cheeks beginning to burn.

We each take a slice of cake and Chris seems to be visibly fighting to swallow and I hear an intense crunch as Teddy takes another bite, he looks in pain before looking at Geoffrey and through gritted teeth suggests a little egg shell never hurt anyone.

As discreetly as I can, I dispose of my cake in the pot of the large leafed plant in the corner.

Geoffery looks at me confused, “That was quick.”

“I was hungry and who wouldn't scarf down such a masterpiece of a cake.” I replied as unsuspiciously as I can.

He gestures towards the cake, suggesting I take another piece.

“Ummm, I think I’m full now, thanks…”

I see Teddy glance towards his wrist watch and his eyebrows raise and soon a sharp intake of breath hisses past his teeth as school time ticks around; I’m glad I don’t have to suffer more of Geoffrey’s investigation. He stands and we begin to collect our things. Geoffrey refers to the practically shredded piece of paper in his blazer pocket and a roll of the eyes and soft sigh indicates it’s sports.


	6. Struck in the Heart

Chapter 6 - Struck in the Heart 

[Clip From The Movie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwYFUb)

Walking into the school gym hall, I quickly spot Geoffrey sitting on a bench looking glum. Walking over, quietly enough to not catch his attention until I'm in front of him, I raise my eyebrow in a questioning manner.

"What?" He asks, a small smile appearing on his face.

"Fence with me?" I ask, already walking to the changing rooms.

“Chris is a little crude sometimes don’t you think?” I suggest, making it clear I’m waiting for a response.

“Hmm?” Geoffrey replies. He seems more intent on staring at me than listening.

"All I'm saying," I jump backwards, avoiding Geoffrey's stab at me. "Is that, maybe, Chris should perhaps dile down his language when we’re in the tea room."

"Yes," Replies Geoffrey, as he continues going on the offensive. "I'll mention it to him when I see him next, but enough about that, how are you?"

"I'm doing well. And yourself?" A light blush appears upon Geoffrey's cheeks, as I ask my question.

"Me? Oh… I'm good? Yeah I'm good. Thanks for asking how I was. I have recently written a new poem, and, if it's not too much trouble, would you, perhaps, want to give me some feedback on it? Maybe?"

I lift up my mask, and make my way to a bench, sitting down, and hearing Geoffrey's footsteps follow me. "I would be delighted to."

"Really? Uh let me just-" He disappears into the changing rooms, and after a while comes back with a small notebook. "Right… not that one… no… aha!" He clears his throat.

"His eyes meet mine.

The Sun does shine.

He looks away.

The Sun does not stay.

I love him, yet him not me.

It is simply not to be.

Maybe in another life.

One where there was not, within my heart a knife and I did not live with this great strife.

We could find.

A love, visible to even the blind."

I could see a light blush emerge on his face after he finished reading.

”It was very insightful.” I say with a reassuring nod.

"Really?" A wide smile pushed his cheeks up as he put the notebook down.

"Really. Would I ever lie to you?" I said with a genuine smile.

"I guess you're right." I get up from the bench, and make my way back over to the mat, pulling down my mask.

"Should we continue?"

He seems disappointed at the swiftness of my transition. Almost like he was waiting for more. Strange.

I position myself in the opening stance, reaching my saber out in front of me.

“Allez!” I announce in my best french accent.

He hits my saber to one side, initiating the assault. I lunge forward, he bounces to the side, avoiding my attack.

This back and forth continued for some time. We’re both getting tired and beginning to struggle. I lurch forward for one last stab and it strikes Geoffrey right in the middle of the chest. He looks hurt in more ways than one.

We begin packing up and leaving back to the changing rooms, I see Geoffrey disappear looking dismal and I don’t see him again all evening.


	7. A Hole in My Heart that your Lips can’t Fill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two gay boys kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that noticed we did indeed have a minor slip up where chapter 7 was missing but its back from the well it was hiding in to bring you the gay comfort we know you crave.

Chapter 7 - A Hole in My Heart that your Lips can’t Fill

Even the sun seems dry and pale when I wake up the next morning. My eyes feel sore and my body aches with the pain of an uncomfortable and lumpy mattress.

It’s more than just a bad night's rest that is making me upset though it’s the knowledge of what today is.

Looking over my brother is already up, he’s not getting up to dress though. He’s just sitting, huddled and unmoving.

In an instant I remember all those nights, every dark morning where he’d wake up frozen and shivering and I’d wonder if it’s normal for someone to have nightmares every night. I was sure it was not but with all the money being spent on Mum’s medicine how could I take him to the doctor’s. 

I can feel my feet moving. Barefoot over the disgusting carpet, then finally he’s in my arms. Just like I needed him to be today. I don't think I can bear to leave him today. Not when she’s already left us.

He’s pulling away though. He’s pulling away from the wet patch he’s made on my shoulder and taking a deep breath. Then he sobs, he full on bawls. He’s taking in big gulps of air and I can feel a constriction in my chest, almost like he’s taking my air.

Almost as soon as his mouth opens again he makes a distressing gasping sound, my hand in his hair, smoothing it over and over. Trying to reassure him that I’m not going, that I’m staying here. I don’t think I’m that reassuring though because surely he can feel how my hands shake and how my breathing is just as ragged as his.

We don’t move from this position for what feels like hours, no one comes in. Every time someone walks along the corridor they only reach Edith’s room before the footsteps turn back. I hear things move around outside. I can hear people in rooms around the house but there’s no sound that seems to be more important than my own brother, my 16 year old brother sobbing over our dead Mum.

The hours bleed and seep into each other soon my throat is torn and my eyes won’t open enough to see when the door opens. I can hear them though. I can hear how they tiptoe in, how they move past my brother and put a hand on my shoulder. Embarrassingly, I can hear how I whimper ever so slightly. I can feel how I flinch and my brother stiffens as my arms grip him tighter and closer. I can't let someone hurt him the way my mother was. 

The hand retracts. Someone’s whispering quietly in my ear that it’s okay, it’s Teddy’s voice. Deep and calm. I relax, let my brother extract himself from my octopus limbs. It’s then that I realise he’s stopped crying, that my hand had stopped stroking his hair and his hand started stroking mine.

A moment of comforting had turned to a moment of comfort. I let that sink in as Teddy fetches me some water. It’s so cold down my battered throat, freezing my heated face.

Teddy helps me get to the communal bathroom that I hope is empty. He passes me a wet cloth and I try to find the energy to press the dripping material to my swollen eyes but I simply can’t muster the strength.

Teddy takes the small rag from me and brings it to my face, ever so gently he wipes my face. Tiny ministrations sweep across my eyes and it occurs to me the trust I put in Teddy to be careful of my eyes or to not make fun of me like so many would. 

I told him when this happened last year why this day was so important, why it hurts so much and since then we’d agreed I wouldn’t bother going to school just to be jabbed and provoked by the other boys.

He said he’d come over, he said he’d make sure I was safe; he did and he is. I'm so tired, I lean forward as soon as he’s done with the cloth. My eyes are finally clear enough that I see Teddy step forward to catch me. I rest on his shoulder and inhale the scent of the cologne he put on.

It smells dark and sweet like gin.

Why is he wearing cologne is a question and a half but it’s so comforting and grounding I can’t bring myself to request an explanation. 

He takes my hand in his and leads me down the hallway to my room again, my brother’s still there in one piece. He’s gotten dressed too, an older button shirt that I could swear used to be mine, maybe still is. He makes eye contact with me and then pulls me into another hug. It’s nothing like the grasping hold we had on each other all day, it’s gentler and less harsh on my heart. It feels like the hands of grief are relaxing their hold. Maybe this’ll be the last time we spend this day swaddled in each other's embrace. Probably not but somehow I feel that those days will get easier and easier.

They will be if Teddy stays with me.

It’s at this point I realise Teddy probably led me to my room to put something other than thin cotton pyjamas on. I pick up a sweater that Chris once lent me after a lacrosse session turned into a snowstorm. It’s white and soft, somehow it makes me remember those tender days of our group. 

I grab some underwear and brown trousers which are swiftly put on in time for Teddy to open my bedroom door. Arthur slips out as soon as Teddy comes in, he winks as he leaves which honestly isn’t the strangest goodbye he’s given me.

Teddy nods his head as a sign that we should leave and I can’t think of a reason not to follow him when he begins to walk away. He doesn’t seem bothered by the starkness of the corridors, instead comments of the luxuries like the chandeliers. He’s good at that, the whole diversion thing, finding a bright side, looking at the beauty of the little things. I suppose it must be part of being an artist. 

He knows how to be a gentleman about everything, had my sex been of the softer choice, I would have swooned for him.

He leads me out the door to the freshness of the air. The day is so much brighter and warmer than it was this morning. I follow Teddy through trees and past tiny primroses just peeking up out of the dirt. He takes me back to the school but the students are long since gone, the stony walls are still graffitied but I seem to be directed towards the sweet hearts and passing quotes of seniors.

Already we’re enclosed in the elderly walls, on a square of green I’ve never seen before. It’s got wild flowers dotted amongst short blades of grass. The sun is setting above us casting yellow and pink lines on the blank windows.

The quietness isn’t eerie, it’s more lulling, so much in fact I’m feeling the heaviness of an entire day spent crying. Teddy sits cross legged on the ground and pats beside him in a comforting manner.

I join him and barely a minute later we’re melted together in a strange sort of embrace, my head is leant on his chest and his arms are resting around my waist. I can feel every breath he takes, every beat of his heart. I can feel how alive he is, how warm he is.

How could I ever tell him how safe he makes me feel? How can I say how glad I am that we met?

Words would never do justice the way I feel tonight, in the haziness of grief and exhaustion of pain he is the one thing holding me up. He is my reason to breathe. How quickly things can change in two years.

Two years ago I wouldn’t of dreamed of his body close like this to mine, couldn’t of imagined feeling his soft puffs of breath on my head. 

I certainly wouldn’t have turned over and looked him straight in the eyes, certainly wouldn’t have continued to move upwards and towards his face. If I had, surely I would have stopped when his breath hitched. Surely, I wouldn’t have leaned in to him and intertwined our bodies by the lips. Wouldn’t have dared. Surely that shows how far we’ve come in two years.

How much I’ve grown. 

I hope I haven’t just fucked this up.

  
  



	8. An Implication of Interest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing forces gay shit to happen more pool and liqueur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have seen this chapter before that is because thee was a slip up with the posting of chapter 8 instead of 7 but its here now. So enjoy!

Chapter 8 - An implication of Interest

A whole week has passed. A whole week since me and Teddy kissed. Since we walked back to my room in silence. Perhaps I really had fucked this up.

Why does he do this? Why does he continue to open doors, to jest and joke around in our group but continue to keep me in the dark about his thoughts. Who gave him the right? 

I almost give in. It’s so tempting to just let it go, to pretend it never happened. 

He kissed me though, the movement of his lips against mine never leaves my memories. His phantom touch lingers around my body and I wish I could have it back. To have these memories be moments instead of mistakes.

So I don’t give in. I can’t let these dead figments lie. Which is why when he invites me for a sleepover with the T.S.C.B I almost fall over flat, surely he doesn’t want me around him anymore. He gives me a side-eyed look but then makes some joke about what a klutz I can be. I try not to let it sting but I just can’t take criticism from him. 

Before I arrive, I imagine an atomic cloud of tension building between Teddy and I, but as I walk up the stone stairs to knock on the door it reminds me of knocking on his father’s office door. How Teddy had completely diffused the situation, a situation where I had punched him. Back then his smile strangled all stiffness from the air, hopefully he could do that again.

I was invited in and entered the room where everyone was playing pool. I was gestured at to pick up a stick and as Teddy achieves complicated, angled shots off of the side and I pot three white balls in a row, the grip that unease has on me is loosened and I allow a smile to grow into my cheeks.

“Soo, got any girls running after you, Tolkien?” Chris asks, a brash smile crossing his face.

I blush, trying to figure out what to say “No, umm, well.”, I look to Teddy for help as Chris leers at me.

“Shove off it ,Chris, you’re just salty after it didn’t work out with that waitress.” He says with a twinge of defensiveness, so subtle that I don’t think the rest of our now chuckling friends noticed.

I look down in an attempt to hide the way that Teddy defending me has made my cheeks flush but not far enough to miss Teddy giving Chris some kind of look that seemed to have said a hundred words about what person I’m interested in. 

“Oh.” Chris said, his eyebrows raised in a surprised way but not at all judgmental.

I look up again and notice Geoffrey, slightly red in the face. He balances his stick on the table only to knock it off again as he leaves with his hands shielding his face.

Chris looks at him with concerned alarm crosses his face as his eyes widen slightly, he abandons his final shot and goes to Geoffrey, leading him out the room with a hand on his shoulder.

I can barely hear their murmured conversation because all my attention is on the fact that I've just been left alone.

With Teddy.

Teddy who just implied that maybe there was something going on between us.

That frickin’ Teddy.

  
  



	9. A Confession of Crushes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it really a confession if you say it with your lips before hand?

Chapter 9 - A Confession of Crushes

I look over to Teddy, the tension in the air was almost visible. I lick my lips, getting them ready to speak. I walk around the pool table, my steps slow and calculated. Teddy rolls a ball around the table, before pushing it into the nearest hole.

"That's cheating." I say. Teddy jumps at my voice, as if he wasn't expecting it.

"I don't think it matters in the current situation." His voice is low and quiet, almost a whisper.

"No. I suppose not.” I pause, debating my next question. “Should we… talk? About what happened?" I don't even know what happened. 

"I feel as if that discussion would be best said if Geoffrey were in the room too." Teddy suggests, a pause lingers until I recognise the misunderstanding.

“No. I meant last week. When we… When I kissed you." Teddy's eyes widen at the statement, before he runs to the open door and looks out of it.

"Keep your voice down." He says little defensively. "What is there to talk about? You kissed me. I wasn't opposed to it. Conversation over."

"No! Conversation not over!"

I grew mildly angry at his incompetence to tell me what I wanted to hear, though I kept my voice low, for the sake of adhering to his request. 

"Christ Teddy. Don't you get it? I love you.”

I spent days considering this, what I wanted to say; what it was that I was feeling.

”I'm in love with you. And it kills me everyday not knowing if you love me back. So please, just humour me. Do you love me back?"

A new voice entered the room, loud and harsh compared to our muffled whispers.

"You need to leave, boy." Teddy’s father announces, wrinkles forming at the top of his nose.

I freeze, my hands becoming clammy. 

"Yes, Sir. uh, right away Sir. I'll just get my things Sir."

"No."

"N-No? But Sir-"

"No buts. Get out of my sight. Now." I trip over the leg of the table, in my haste to make it out of the door. I would’ve fallen if it were not for Teddy righting me. He pulls me into a hug, whispering in my ear, before almost pushing me out of the door.

"I do love you back.”


	10. Blissful Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After some clarity, Tolkien's accommodation gets room service and he just about manages to keep his cool (much to his surprise).

Chapter 10 - Blissful Terror

After a long walk of shame all the way back to my dorm, I must have collapsed onto my bed in a mash of pure bliss and terror. I wake up the next morning with stars in my eyes, sitting up I push my hair back out of my face.

My brother’s already sat up and staring judgingly at me. “Quite the evening?”. He smirks one eyebrow slightly raised.

I try to reply, but all I do is croak and shake my head as if to say ‘you don’t even know’. He gets the message and throws the curtains open before going to breakfast.

I stand and make my bed, putting a hand up to block the intense sunlight from getting to my eyes. I then sit cross legged on my bed still immersed in bliss but yet sickly at the idea of facing him again, like I’ve overdosed on joy.

A fist raps on my door, I glance towards it and watch the doorknob twist and a head pop through the crack. “I assumed you would shout at me if you were indecent.” it says.  
“You assumed correctly.” I replied and Teddy comes through the door.

He doesn’t know how hard I’m trying to keep myself from falling into a flustered mess. “Your stuff.” He points to the luggage he’s carrying.

“Oh, I didn’t know they had room service here.” I say, surprised at my composure.  
He smiles, followed by a little chuckle, clearly also not expecting my level-headed response.

“Thank you.” I say sincerely and he nods.

There’s a silent moment as he ponders whether or not to leave, I push my hair up out of my face again and look up at him. He looks back at me and my gut wrenches. He walks towards me and sits beside me on the bed, resting his head on my shoulder. I try to stay smooth as my brain fails and place a hand on his knee. 

“I’m sorry my dad shouted at you like that.” He looks at me, “I’m sorry he kicked you out and I’m sorry I confused you so much.”

“It’s okay”. I say and we stay like this for a couple more minutes until my brother comes back and Teddy starts a little, sitting up straight again.

My brother’s expression begins a little confused but he then walks a little closer. “Look after him.” He says to Teddy, smiling all the while.


	11. A Drunken Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Tolkien learns of 'G'offery's little crush' from a rather wasted Chris and Teddy learns that his crude and vulgar language sometimes has consequences a fight breaks out and Tolkein becomes a damsel in distress.

Chapter 11 - A drunken disaster

A couple weeks pass in blissful joy, I’ve seen very little of Geoffrey and only slightly more of Chris. He stopped turning up to TCBS meetings for a while, hopefully he’ll be there today.

Chris arrives with a large bottle of port wine and calls for shot glasses. He pours Teddy and I about half a glass each then he downs double or maybe triple that. Teddy raises an eyebrow at him and Chris slurs “What? Just ‘cause you're a lightweight.”

“Where have you been?” I inquire, figuring now would be the best time to ask, it’s always best to ask Chris things when he’s drunk.

“With G’offery” he retorts. “He’s quite lovestruck over you y’know” He says, looking at me. My eyes open wide and I swear my chin knocks the wooden floor.

Then it hits me.

“Oh no.” I moan, burying my head in my hands. I think back to everything, how did I not see it before? Guilt is starting to choke me.

“He’ll get over it?” Teddy suggests trying to comfort me although I see a flare of defensiveness in his eyes. Is he afraid I like Geoffery? “I mean, what can you do?”

“I have to talk to him.” I say. “How much could I have hurt him without knowing?”

“I understand.” Teddy declares. “But I’m coming too.”

“Me threeee!” Chris adds, walking off. “He’s in the bus!”

“The bus?” I question.

“Just go with it.” Teddy replies. So we follow Chris as he sways through the halls and we arrive at a yellow school bus, with 3 flat tires and one missing. On it I see Geoffrey starfished across the seats. I have never seen a man look such a mess.

“Shit.” I say and an “Oh my god”, quickly follows from Teddy.

We walk cautiously onto the bus, avoiding the shards of glass and crushed cans. “Geoffrey?” I call to him.

“T’ol’k!” he responds smiling, his eyes shut. So comically, I almost laugh before I remember why he’s here.

“Oh Geo…” I say, I can’t think of what else to say. I open my arms to him and he tries to stand but falls into me and with a heavy impact. He’s dead weight in my arms.

I lay him softly onto the bus seats. Making sure his head is tilted in case he throws up all the alcohol he’s drunk. Me and Teddy lock eyes and I can see the judgement and hurt in his eyes. Everything is still so fresh between us, I don’t think we were expecting to be tested like this but as we sit, sipping port and waiting for Geoffrey to wake up I care less and less about how green our relationship is.

I hear myself make jokes I wouldn’t dare say in front of Edith, crude and lude in their suggestions. I hear us all making jokes like that. Chris makes one very blatant and loud comment about a woman as she passes the windows of the bus and he gets equally blatantly sworn at by her friends. 

Then Teddy’s making a suggestion, a very rude suggestion. One about what he would do to me if Geoffrey and Chris weren’t here. If it were just us, alone on this bus. Which is when Geoffrey wakes up and promptly slams Teddy’s head into the bus window.

I’m surprised Teddy doesn’t react, he just takes it. Maybe it’s because of the alcohol or maybe it’s the fact that his nose is now bleeding. Teddy just sits, stunned that our gentle, loving friend has just savagely slammed his face into an old bus window.

“How dare you! How dare you say such a thing about Tolkien! He’s not some easy lay that you can drunkenly come on to and hope for the best, he’s a fucking amazing writer and person and human being!” Geoffrey gets louder and louder and Teddy seems to become more and more dumbfounded. I try to show Geoffrey I’m fine but he refuses to turn toward me. Refuses to do anything but try and tackle Teddy to the ground.

Eventually even Teddy’s rugby skills aren’t a match for vaguely more sober Geoffrey. They end up on the floor and all I can do is watch in terror as my favourite people drunkenly fight on a dirty floor.

I’m completely gobsmacked until Chris interjects at the worst time with:

“How does it feel to be fought for like a damsel in distress?” If my arms didn’t feel like damp noodles I would have slammed his head into the window too.

I glare at him instead and as he notices my stress he jumps to break it up. Being built quite strong, he easily pulls them apart and I assess the aftermath. Geoffery looks okay, except a split lip seeping a little blood. But I temporarily mistake Teddy for a butcher just finished letting out a pig, I gawp and the colour must have completely faded from my face.

His nose is streaming, there’s a gash from glass on his forehead and his shirt is almost completely sodden down the front with blood from his nose.

“Oh. Shit, dude.” Chris remarks, the shock expelling his drunkenness for just a second.

My boyfriend is fucking covered in blood and all Chris can do is offer ‘Oh shit’ and a hankerchief.

‘Oh shit’ indeed.


	12. Blood Dopping Down my Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a fight to get the endorphins pumping.

Chapter 12 - Blood dripping down my face

"What the fuck, Geoffrey." I exclaim, running over to Teddy. "I think you should sober up. Chris go with him."

"But-" I glare at Chris, he seems to get the message. "Okay! Don't shoot. I'll go." He walks out of the bus, dragging Geoffrey with him. 

I turn my attention to Teddy. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

"Yeah. I'm coming, just… thanks."

"Thanks? What for?" I asked, confused.

"For not getting involved. I don't know what'd I do if you had gotten hurt."

"Oh. I'm oddly… flattered." I can feel my face heating up at his comment. 

"You should be." His tone turns flirtatious.

"And why's that huh?" I hear a low growl come from Teddy, and I step closer to him, until our lips are almost touching. I can feel the blood from his nose trickling down his face, filling the small gap between his lips. His tongue darts out to lick it, and I'm fixated on the movement. I imagine the way it would taste in my mouth, how soft his lips would be compared to the hard metallic taste of blood. 

How wet our lips would be with the addition of blood and saliva. I close the distance between us and almost moan at the iron flavor spilling over my tastebuds. I walk forward, Teddy stumbling from having to move backwards at such a pace, only stopping when we reach the other side of the bus. My hand snakes up his shirt, my leg pushing his legs apart, so I can slot my thigh in easily. I pull back, taking in Teddy's swollen lips, and dazed expression, before I take a step back and motion to him to follow me, as I turn to walk back outside.


	13. My Little Cock Blocking Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get heated in Tolkein's dorm room until a cockblocking Arthur enters the room trying to get lucky too.

Chapter 13- My Little Cock Blocking Brother

Even the harsh winds don’t make a dent in how hot I feel right now. How hard my heart is pumping to some very specific parts of my body.

Neither me nor Teddy can see Geoffrey and Chris until we hear someone cry out. We find them behind another parked bus in a rather compromising position. Me and Teddy make a pact to not bring it up tomorrow. 

We don’t spend too long pondering it, more time is spent with our bodies pressed against a street wall.

By the time we’ve made it back to my bedroom my face is flushed and I’m pressing uncomfortably into my zipper.

We make our way onto my bed and clothing is shoved every which way in a desperate attempt to reach more skin. Only when I can feel the flush of his chest against mine is my need for more skin finally satiated.

I have no idea where my jumper is or where my trousers have gone. All that’s left in my head is the way his mouth is against my neck. Sucking and biting until it leaves a mark, when he finishes he trails lower until he’s sucking on one of my pecs. Just shy of my nipple and it’s driving me crazy. It shouldn’t be but the pressure is all at once too much.

I let out a groan and I can feel Teddy smirk at me against my chest. I grab a fistful of his hair and yank him up so I can put my mark on his neck as well. He yelps at the pull but it quickly melts into something much closer to a grunt when I get my mouth on him.

He moves his hand lower as I suck harder, determined to remind him of tonight when he gets up tomorrow. Determined for this to be more than a drunken mistake.

I keep sucking and biting and relishing in the way Teddy shivers above me and bucks into my thigh. His hand continues its journey though until he reaching under my boxers and touching me. Doing something that lights up my body with desire. 

I release his neck with a moan and he laughs above me until I thrust my thigh up and press him harder into me. He grunts again, shorter and sharper than before. We continue this until I can feel him tensing above me. Until he can surely hear the way my moans are pitching and how I’m harshly fucking his hand.

I’m so close to exploding over his wrist, so entranced in working my thigh between his legs and watching him squirm that I almost don’t hear the footsteps. 

I do though. I hear the footsteps and so does he. We scramble to get some semblance of decency. He ends up in my jumper, that leaves his lower half barely covered, I can see his dripping tip just barely peeking out under the white woolen jumper. The heat in my stomach flares up again. 

Meanwhile, I’ve dragged my pajama bottom from under my quilt and onto my body. I manage to just before the door opens and my brother and Edith tumble in. She giggles as he stumbles and pushes her to the bed. Clearly me and my brother were both lucky tonight. I'm lucky that he seems to be lost in the unbuttoning of her blouse to see me and Teddy tiptoe out of the room. I manage to grab a pair of my trousers from the doorway for Teddy and he has to put them on leaning against the hallway wall. When he’s done I kiss him. 

I kiss him with all the leftover passion and leave him breathless where he stands. His face flushes and a giggle turns into raucous laughter.

“I can’t believe he didn’t notice us!” Teddy manages to get out before I shush him desperately.

“He will if you keep up that noise!” Teddy takes one look at my face before bursting into laughter again. This time I join in. I love that we can go from keening at each other, begging for release to laughing like we’ve just told the best joke to each other. One that others couldn’t possibly get.

I love him. And his stupid antics that about to get us caught in the hallway if we don’t hurry Teddy out of here. Normally the matrons wouldn’t mind me or Arthur bringing friends in but Teddy’s hair is ruffled in a way that suggests that we’re a lot more than friends. Not to mention his commando option is making a few things very obvious at a quick glance.

He sees me looking and chuckles deeply.

“Maybe next time you’ll have a chance for a better look.”

My still drunken mind does not miss the fact he said next time.

That fact lingers well, like the hot smell of cinnamon, after he walks himself out the door. I may or may not end up squirming under my sheets, lip sore from how quiet I’m trying to be over the fact he said next time. My mind stops at nothing to fuel me with ideas about what next time will involve.


	14. Interlocked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a serious journey Teddy decides to finally lock Tolkien in with those five little words. 
> 
> 'Will you be my boyfriend?"

Chapter 14 - Interlocked

At school the next day an emergency TCBS meeting is called.

“Well… Umm.. So.” Chris begins to say, he smirks a little before hiding his face and laughing. Soon enough, the whole table is in hysterics at the whole situation.

Teddy speaks abruptly interrupting the laughter, “Geoffrey…” he says stifling another bout of laughter started by Chris. “I think we both owe each other an apology, more you than me though if we’re honest.” I kick him and Geoffrey smirks, in turn I kick Geoffrey as well. They both look at me with equal parts shocked and amused, I just stick my tongue out in response.

“Okay, okay we both owe each other  _ equal _ apologies. So, I’m sorry for saying the things I did, especially after Chris told us what was going on.” Geoffrey flushes at that, perhaps we shouldn’t have let on quite how much we knew. ”But I’ll treat Tolkien well, okay. There’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for him or any of you for that matter.”

Geoffrey responds after a moment of consideration. He seems embarrassed.. “I know.” he takes a breath and lets it out like a broken man. “I know you have good intentions. For what it’s worth I’m also sorry for smashing you into the wall... and cracking your nose and tackling you to the ground... This doesn’t feel much like an equal apology anymore really. ”

“So we’re okay?” Teddy responds, offering out his hand. Geoffrey shakes his hand firmly and nods.

“Glad you’re all made up although if I ever have to watch you two fight over me again I will never forgive you two.” I say, they laugh but I know I’m dead serious. How stupid do they have to be to fight over me?

“We should be getting to class now.” I suggest and gently nudge Teddy’s hand away as he tries to walk me to class. Now hyper-aware of everything I do, trying to cause Geoffrey the least amount of pain. Teddy knows that though, he’s not offended.

Once we get there, Teddy pulls out a seat for me, a little hand flourish accompanying his chivalry. We’re handed a book each and begin reading some dusty Shakespearean novel, the teacher picking on us one by one to read aloud. Part way through Teddy’s turn I feel his hand reach for my knee. I place my hand on top of his and push, interlocking our fingers.

A small giggle escapes from Teddy as he’s reading.

“Everything alright?” The teacher says, raising his eyebrows.

“Couldn’t be better.” Teddy replies, smiling broadly.

We stay interlocked throughout the entire lesson, until our hands grow so clammy they practically slip apart.

"I have somewhere to take you" Teddy says, smirking.

"Okay…" I say, sceptical. I trust him so much that I’d follow him to Africa if he asked me to.

He takes my hand and leads me across the grounds until we reach the same square of grass as that fateful evening. The wild flowers littered about wave in the same formation as they did that night he comforted me here, the night we had our first kiss.

He turns to me and my heart starts beating.

"So... you really like me, huh?" I wonder for a second if he’s joking. Of course I fucking like him.

"Yeah… You still like me right?"

"Absolutely." He says, smiling. "So much so that I was wondering if you'd like to be my boyfriend?".

He says it so smoothly as if he hasn’t seen me tossing my head beneath him, as if he hasn’t held me while I wipe snot and tears into his softest sweater, as if he knows with all his heart this is what he wants. I know I'm going to stutter when I open my mouth, there's no doubt about my answer but my heart is battering down my ribs. He smiles at me, and any emotion other than love falls from the air.

"I'd like that a lot" I say flawlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journey to write this has been a long but fun one. I know for a fact that everyone who has worked on this fic has poured our love and souls into this. In fact, we may or may not have been working on a little surprise for all of you that we'll tell all about next chapter.


	15. Lube Was Invented in 1904

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As their relationship reaches the summit Teddy and Tolkien spend the night in each others arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last chapter and we're all in tears! We're all so sad (and excited that this is ending). Luckily this isn't our last fic together, if you want to read more like this (AKA in the same series) we'll be releasing a new fic called: A Love that Crushed me.

Chapter 15 - Lube was invented in 1904

Then he holds out his hand to me. I put my hand into his and relish as our fingers interlock once more.

He pulls my arm and drags me up but before I can get to my feet he tugs. He runs dragging me behind him.

We’re running, running through the school. Past the halls that we’ve walked along for years. Past the tree that we spend lunch under. Past the alleyway that leads us to the tearooms which I’ve spent my childhood in.

We keep running and running, until all I can see is colours and Teddy. My Teddy.

Finally we stop, but I am so unprepared that I barrel into him, he catches me though and swoops me into his arms. They coil around me until all I can think about is his touch, how safe I feel in his arms. How much I love him. How much I want him.

He smiles down at me and I twirl around until I can finally interlock our lips. He's still smiling through the kiss. His lips are soft and warm like sunlight. 

I can’t stop kissing him, I just want to feel him against me. To know he’s mine. Even though I’ve come to my senses and know we’re right outside the orphanage I can’t bring myself to untwine his arm from my waist. Okay. Maybe I should be considering that that arm is going lower and lower and…

He just grabbed my arse.

I take his arm away and drag him all the way through the orphanage to my room. I shove him onto the bed and before he can open his mouth to give an explanation as to why he groped me right outside I’ve attached my lips to his neck.

All that comes out from what I assume was going to be an excuse is a strangled gasp.

For once I think I have the upper hand here, that is until he flips me onto my back. Curse having a boyfriend that plays rugby.

Then we’re here again, in the same position that I only hazily remember but I want all the way, no interruption, no teasing. He undoes my top with confident fingers, neither of us expected the evening to go this way but we both seem mighty excited that it has. He kisses my neck with unrestrained emotion as I ease off his shirt sharply; fingers snaking along his torso, soaking in the warmth. His trousers are laying in a crumpled heap on the floor in some unknown corner. A hard on digs into my thigh just like before, cotton acting as the final barrier. He pushes forward against me and groans at the friction. 

The sound reverberates through my head and my brain, acting like some sort of hypnosis trigger that only acts to turn me on more. He leans down and captures my lips in a heated kiss. It burns in the best way and it’s slicker than it has any right to be. A memory floats across, he tastes the exact same as before, that dark flavour that I crave every night I spend with my sheets between my teeth.

The thought of what Teddy would say if he knew how many times I’ve cum to the thought of him fucking me distracts me enough that I don’t tense when he pulls on the waistband of my boxers. I take a breath through my nose and push his down as well. Finally here again. This time no one is around to interrupt. 

He untagles a hand from around my waist and reaches to my bedside cabinet, he opens the drawer where we’d hurriedly shoved the lube and condoms before, using his spare hand to work himself up to the full height of his erection again. He uncaps the bottle and pours it over his fingers. Then he’s pushing a finger in. It isn’t the first time I’ve had a finger inside me but it’s the first time I’ve had Teddy as a welcome distraction from the pressure. 

He’s lapping at my neck, both his breath and tongue wetting it before he gently bites down. I hear him tell me gently to relax and I try. I really do but he keeps pushing his finger in and I just can’t lose myself in it just yet. It’s not until he’s almost knuckle deep that I feel myself ease off because he’s found my prostate and a wave of pleasure is overtaking me.

Teddy must feel me relax because he pulls out his finger ever so slightly to put a second finger inside me, again he pushes them in knuckle deep making sure to curl them up to hit that same spot again. He repeats the same process, waiting for me to relax before adding another finger. Until he’s got four fingers inside me, all pressing against a spot that is driving ripples of pleasure down my back. Then they’re out, all at once there’s nothing but the feel of our bodies together, him strewn on top of me. His hips gently rocking over mine, both of us straining and hard. Hot and heavy. Desperate and aroused. I whimper and he shudders out a breath. He whispers in my ear a question but all I hear is ready. I’ve never been more ready.

I let out a whiny sigh to show him just how ready I am. 

At which point he opens the packet and rolls on the condom. Then he pushes inside, slowly and surely filling me up from the inside. It’s nothing like his fingers, or the few times I’ve tried to find my prostate myself. His dick is hard and unforgiving inside me but somehow I can’t bring myself to care, not when he’s setting such a gentle and rocking pace.

One that’s opening me up and leaving me to buck up against him, he trails his hand down between us and grasps me. Rubbing up and down as he pumps in and out of me. I’m overwhelmed by sensations.

I can barely think how loud he sounds in my ear. Every huff and moan as he pushes inside. Every slight incline of his breath is amplified by the slick sounds of our bodies.

I can barely breathe for every thrust in and out rubs against my inner walls. I let out another moan as he rubs me up and down again. He returns the sound with a nip to my neck. I know he’s going to leave marks for days. I almost want people to know I belong to him. I want everyone to know we belong to each other.

I can barely think for how hot he looks. Watching as his hips move forward and back and how every time he pushes in his face scrunches up. He lets out moan and grunt and whine after mewl.

Every time I look, or feel or hear I can feel something tighten within me like a spring waiting to uncoil. A burning hot volcano getting ready to erupt over us both.

His moans again. This time it’s higher and twinged with desperation. The slow pace that he’d previously set is forgotten as his thrusts stutter and become deeper.

He bites down hard and speeds up his wrist movements. At some point his hand brushes my tip, the spring that has been coiling and heating up inside my navel releases itself all too suddenly. I clench desperately around him and he cries out.

Teddy’s thrusts are now slow and stilted although a lot hotter inside me. The same heat is replicated through the cum that has now tackily attached our stomachs. He gently moves his hips back and begins to pull out.

He gives me a kiss on the lips as he takes off the condom and ties it up. He then gets up to put in the bin. I watch dazed and tired, I barely realise that my eyes are closing until he wraps himself around me and pulls the sheets up over our blazing bodies.

I lay there, letting myself be gently crushed by his arm. I bear the risk of him rolling over and crushing me in my sleep but I risk it because staying in his arms as I drift in and out of sleep is the best thing that’s happened to me. The way his body leans in against me, the way I get woken up when he pulls me tighter into him, it feels like he’s crushing me with his love.

When we lie here all I can feel is this crushing sense of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope all of you enjoyed and will join us for our new Chris and Geoffrey-centric fic.


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